• Coming home, I drove into t...
• Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn’t have. • In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. • I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. • I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. • I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull. • I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.Tum Udas Mat Hona
1 Aadmi ki kisi dusre shehar me nokri lagi,Waha pahunch kar usne socha ki biwi ko email kar du,
Galti se wo email kisi or k paas chala gaya,
Jis k paas gaya wo aurat apne husband ko dafna k aayi thi
or email padthe hi behosh ho gayi.
Email kuch yu tha:- Begam !! Me yaha badi khairiyat se hu,
Yaha internet ki sahuliat bi hai,
Tum udas mat hona, 2-3 din me tumhe bhi apne paas bula lunga.
Corruption
1 admi ne ANNA HAJARE se puchha "kafan me jeb kyu nahi hoti?" 'ANNA' ne jawab dya. " Beta kyuki Maut kabhi Rishwat nahi leti.1 Bob Smith, my assistant pro...
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always 5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be 10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be 11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be 12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13 executed as soon as possible Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines1 day devil came in my dream ...
1 day devil came in my dream & askd me the contact no. Of an HONEST persn I gave him ur no. But he refused & said sorry i cant disturb my BOSS….. ******************************* News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo… 1 was caught watching tv… another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt!!! ******************************* Son, while filling up a form: Dad, what should I write against mother tongue.? Father: Very long!!!!! ******************************* If I was an artist, you would be my picture! If I was a poet, you would be my inspiration! If I was an author you would be my story! But I’m only a cartoonist! ******************************* Human brain is the most outstanding object in world. It functions 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. It functions right from the time we are born, and stop only when we enter the examination hall. *******************************1 Don’t worry. I think ...
1 Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough. 2 Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card? 3 Damn! Page 84 of the manual is missing! 4 Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens! 5 Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie 6 Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy. 7 “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness” 8 Whoa, wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that? 9 “Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, he’s got two of’em 10 What do you mean “You want a divorce?”2 Darjan Pack Kar Do
1 ladki valintine day pe ik dukan daar ke paas gae aur kaha kya aap ke paas koi aisa card hai jis pe likha hoo ke main sirf tum se aur sirf tum se pyar karti hoon? dukan daar bola - gi han hai aisa card. ladki boli - to plz 2 darjan pack kar do its dedicate to my love.Nasha
1 sarabi dusre sarabi se kehta haiYaar whisky ko pani main milao to nasha chadta hai.
Brandi ko pani main milao to nasha chadta hai .
Rum ko pani main milao to nasha chadta hai.
Sala kharabi pani main hai sarab main nahi.
FLAG DEKHKAR
1 SARDAR INDIAN FLAG LENE SHOP PAR GAYA.FLAG DEKHKAR SARDAR KUCH BOLA JISE SUNKAR SHOPKEEPER PARESHAN HO GAYA..
GUESS WOH KYA BOLA.....
IS MEIN AUR COLOUR DIKHAO
Parking
1 When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passingBihari Babu Jokes
1) A Bihari after coming back from a three hour long class says:Saala pura body headache maar raha hai
2) A Bihari goes to a movie hall and asks for two tickets,Do tho ticket dena,
the person at the window tells him that there is a house full, so this Bihari
says koi baat nahin do house full de do.
3) A Bihari went to New Delhi for the first time in his life. He went there during the time of Asiad and was zapped to see all these new stadiums, newly constructed roads, flyovers etc etc. The poor fellow hadn't seen all this ever before. So when he came back to Aligarh people asked him as to how did he like Delhi, he was too excited and said : yaar delhi to buhat top ka laga, pura delhi chamak chamak raha tha, sab kuch jagmaga raha tha, sab shine maar raha tha lekin yaar ek cheez hum understand nahin kar paye, yeh itta barka barka speed breaker kahe ko bana diya hai (he couldn't figure out what is a flyover).
4) A Bihari went to a cigarette shop and asked for one Wills: Bhai ek Will dena, so the guy selling the cigarettes told him that there is no brand by the name of Will, it is Wills, but the Bihari insisted and said I want one Will, so the person told him unless you say it correctly i.e Wills I won't sell it to you, so the Bihari went mad and said "Hum ek hi to maang rahen hain pura packet to nahin maang rahen hain".
1) This incident happened when we were in college. Two Biharis talking
to each other,
" Aaj Mother teresa a rahen hai Kennedy Auditorium mein saam ko aap chalenge na , hum aap ko 5.30 p.m sharp pe lene aienge, so this fellow didn't know who is Mother Teresa and replied back, " nahin bhai aap hi chale jaiye hum Englis film nahin dekhte hain.
2) There was this Bihari who was travelling with two tickets, so when the T.T.E
asked for the ticket, this fellow gave both the tickets, and so the T.T.E
asked him the reason of buying two tickets , this fellow answered well what
will happen if in case I lose one of them, so the T.T.E said what if you lose
both of them, so this guy said then why do I have a monthly pass.
CUSTOMER CARE
1) Amithabh: Thank you for calling customer care... rishte mein to humtumhare baap lagate hian filhaal ek customer care rep hain...
Customer : (angrily) I NEED YOUR MANAGER
Amithabh: Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere baap ko chor kaha
tha.. Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne meri maa ko gaali dekar naukri
se nikaal diya tha.. Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere haath pe
yeh likh diya tha... uske baad uske baad mere bhai.. Tum jis manager ko
kahoge main laaonga..
2) Dharmendra: Thank you for callllllliiiiingggg.....
Customer: I need help
Dharmendra: main aaraahoon maa...
Customer: I am unable to use your product... its waste and worthless
Dharmendra: Kutte mein tera khoon peejaaonga..
Customer: What!!! I need your manager
Dharmendra: (To his manager) Manager is customer ke saamne nahi naachna
3) Shatru : Aaaaaiiin Kis ullllu ke patthe ne call kiya hai...
Customer : How dare you speak like that
Shatru : Khaaaamoshhhhh... seedhi tarah bolde issue kya hai warna...
haaaaaaaaa!!!
4) Asrani: hahhaaaaaaa naya kabutar ne call kiya
Customer: I lost my invoice
Asrani : Hahhaaaaaaaa hamare jasoos kone kone mein phaile hue hain
miljayegi hum angrezon ke zamaane ke rep hain..haahhaaa
5) Kestu Mukherji: Iiiiiihhhhye....
Customer: hi
Kestu Mukherji : iiiihhhyeee tumko ....tumko kya problem hai
Customer : I have not received my product
Kestu Mukherji : To saale (hicup) main kya karoon.. Police mien report
likha...
6) Bindu: Shabnam naam hai mera... pyar se log shabbo bolte hain..bolo main
tumhare kis kaam aasakti hoon.
7) Shakti: AAAuuuuuu...mera naam hai balllllllllma. Thank you for calling
aaauuuuu
Customer: I need your manager
Shakti: Mujhse baat karona.. Main ek chhota sa, nanha sa, pyarasa...rep
hooon..
8) Mehmood: Ayyo Dyevi ... thank youji for calling ji.. Ayyo
Customer : I am not devi
Mehmood : Ayyo muruga... ye dyevi nai ji ... ye to dyeva hai...
9)Ajit: Saara shehar mujhe Lion ke naam se jaanta hai..... May I know your
name please
Customer : Mona
Ajit: Mona darling... tumne hamein call kyun kiya
Customer : (Angrily) I WANT YOUR MANAGER
Ajit: Mona dear.. Agar hum tumhe hamara manager dedenge to hamein manage
kaun karega....
10) Gabbar : HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ....Jo dargaya wo maraga... batao tumhen
kya chahiye
Customer : I want to buy a product from your company
Gabbar: Kitne paise hai re
Customer : $ 10.00
Gabbar: Suvvar Ke baccho ... sirf... $10.00...dhikkaar hai
11) Prem Chopra: Prem...Prem naam hai mera.. Prem chopra...
Customer : I lost my invoice I need one
Prem Chopra: Kar bhalaa to ho bhalaa..jaa apni invoice khud dhoondle
12) Rajkumar : Jaani ..... Tumhara ye call bahut keemti hai.. Ise cut mat karna
Customer: I lost my invoice
Rajkumar: Jaani... ye invoice hai.. Bacchon ke khelne ki cheez nahi
Customer : shut up.. I need my invoice sent to me in 10 minutes...
otherwise I will speak to your manager
Rajkumar : Dhamki kisi aur ko jaakar dena... manager humko darasake
manager mein itna dum nahi... humse hai manager... manager se hum nahi...
13) Shahrukh: Thank you for kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Customer hung up the phone....
1) I will have a cup of coffe...
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web. 2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing. 3) I will get dressed before noon. 4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web. 5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived. 6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web. 7) I will read a book… if I still remember how. 8 ) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web. 9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email. 10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not. 11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web. 12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime… and the Web will always be there tomorrow!BHAI DHAYAN TE PADIYO LALOO JI NE!
1) Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las Vegas.So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji could you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas...". The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.2)Laloos family planning policy- 'Don't have more than two children in one year'.
3)At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender,"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." & the man's companion says,"JACK DANIELS,SINGLE." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?" Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."
4)A reporter asked Laloo "What is the main reason for a divorce ?" LALOO BOLA "Marriage".
Doctor-Patient Jokes
1) Patient-Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.Doctor- Don't talk rubbish!
2) Lady to the doctor over the phone. "Doctor, I beg of you, please prescribe me something immediately to reduce my weight. My husband has given me a wonderful birthday present, and I can't get into it."
Doctor: Just come over here tomorrow, and I shall give you a prescription. Then you will soon be able to wear your wonderful new dress."
Lady: Who said anything about a dress? I am talking of car.
3) Man: "Doctor, Doctor! My wooden leg is giving me a headache!"
Doctor: "Why?"
Man: "Because my wife keeps hitting me on the head with it."
4) Father:"Thanks a lot doctor for saving my sons life. Doctor:"It's God who has saved your life. after sometime. Doctor:"My fee??" Father:"'ll send it to God through money order"!!
5) Doctor:WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO YOU ? PATIENT:I AM GOING TO DIE IN TEN MINUTES. DOCTOR:WAIT FOR TWENTY MINUTES I AM COMING.
6) While visiting a friend who was in the hospital,I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. I asked one nurse what was the significance.
"Nothing,"she said with a smile."It,s just to keep the doctors away."
7) Assistant: Doctor the invisible man has come for his check up. Doctor: Tell him I can't see him.
8) "Doctor I keep stealing things. What can I do?" "Try to resist the temptation but if you can't, get me a new television"
9) PATIENT:-DOCTOR I AM FEELING SEVER ITCHING,GIVE ME A MEDICINE PLEASE.
DOCTOR:-TAKE THIS SLIP TO THE MEDICAL SHOP
PATIENT:-IF I USE THIS MEDICINE,I CAN SOLVE THIS ITCHING.
DOCTOR:-I GAVE THIS FOR GROWING YOUR NAILS FOR SCRATCHING.
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