DUS Bahane
1) Smoking2) Drinking
3) Charas
4) Ganja
5) Chicken
6) Mutton
7) Oily food
8) Masala
9) Sleep & obesity
10) Pollution
= (Is Equal To) Heart Attack
Matlab
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DUS bahane karke le gaye DIL !
Simple Jokes
1) Teacher tells a student a=b, b=c implies a=c. Tell me an example. Student : I love u - u love your daughter - so I love your daughter.2) Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".
3) What is a girl friend? Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies & division of friends.
4)Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.
Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?"
Bruce Lee's One Liner From India
1) What is Bruce Lee's favorite dog? Ju Lee 2) What is Bruce Lee's favorite vegetable? Mu Lee 3) Which Indian is the greatest fan of Bruce Lee? Malaya Lee 4) What does Bruce Lee like to have for lunch ? Tha Lee 5) What happens to the theatre once a Bruce Lee movie is over ? Kha Lee 6) Which is Bruce Lee's favorite hindi movie? Mawaa Lee 7) Bruce Lee's favorite food Id Lee 8) Bruce Lee's favorite festivals Diwa Lee and Ho Lee 9) Bruce Lee's favorite holiday spot Mana Lee 10) Bruce Lee's favorite tree Im Lee 11) Bruce Lee's favourite Actress Sona lee 12) Bruce Lee's favourite Music Qawa lee 13) What is Bruce Lee's most interesting job? Coo Lee 14) How did Bruce Lee die? with a Go Lee 15) What is the name of Bruce Lee's gardener ? Maa Lee 16) What does Bruce Lee get from his wife ? Gaa Lee 17) What is Bruce Lee's favorite ride ? Do Lee 18) Who is Bruce Lee's favorite cricketer? Kamb Lee 19) When Bruce Lee kicks, who makes the loudest noise? Taa Lee 20) Bruce Lee's front garden is called: Hariya Lee 21) Bruce Lee's window opening security system is called: Ja Lee 22) Bruce Lee's yellow coloured loo is called: Pee Lee 23) Bruce Lee's favorite perch (hang-out) is called: Da Lee 24) What is Bruce Lee's sister-in-law's name ? Saa LeeSome Facts About Bruce Lee
1) What is Bruce Lee's favorite vegetable? Ans: Mu Lee2) What does Bruce Lee like to have for lunch? Ans: Tha Lee
3) What happens to the theatre once a Bruce Lee movie is over ? Ans: Kha Lee
4) What is Bruce Lee's sister-in-law's name? Ans: Saa Lee
5) Bruce Lee's favorite breakfast? Ans: Id Lee
6) Bruce Lee's favourite festival Ans: Diwa Lee
7) Bruce Lee's favorite Actress Ans: Sona lee
8) Bruce Lee's favorite Music Ans: Qawa lee
9) What is Bruce Lee's most interesting job? Ans: Coo Lee
10) When did Bruce Lee die? Ans: Final Lee
11) How did Bruce Lee die? Ans: With a Go Lee
12) What is Bruce Lee's favorite hill station Ans: Kulu Mana Lee
13)What is Bruce Lee's nick name? Ans: Mawa Lee
14)What is Bruce Lee's favorite Hindi movie? Ans:Gharwa LEE Baharwa LEE
15)Who is Bruce Lee's favourite cricketer? Ans:Saurav Gangu LEE
16)Which God does Bruce Lee pray too? Ans: Bajrang ba LEE
1-One day a Mullah was going ...
1-One day a Mullah was going to Bazaar to sell his goose. An intelligent and humorous priest saw him and decided to put him on the test. He approached the Mullah and asked: how much is the donkey? The mullah answered: father it is a goose not donkey. The priest replied: I did not ask you, I asked the goose.2- The other day a Mullah went to the doctor. He said: doctor, my beard aches. The doctor asked him: what did you eat for lunch? He replied: I ate bread and ice. The doctor answered back: neither your pain resembles the pains of the people nor your food is like theirs.
3- One day Mullah was beating his donkey in a remote place. A man saw him and asked: why are you beating the poor animal. Sorry, said Mullah, is it a member of your family?
1. "Weather at our destinatio...
1. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with you with our compliments."
3. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly
windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to
fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate
BIHARI BABU
1. A Bihari after coming back from a three hour long class says:Saala pura body headache maar raha hai
2. A Bihari goes to a movie hall and asks for two tickets, Do tho ticket dena.
The person at the window tells him that there is a house full.
So this Bihari says koi baat nahin do house full de do.
Bihari Babu......
1. A Bihari after coming back from a three hour long class says:Saala pura body headache maar raha hai
2. A Bihari goes to a movie hall and asks for two tickets,Do tho ticket dena, the person at the window tells him that there is a house full, so this Bihari says koi baat nahin do house full de do.
1. A day without sunshine is ...
1. A day without sunshine is like night.2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last; thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
1. Another flight attendant's...
1. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfectlanding: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."
2. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open
the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
3. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
1. At least one of the identi...
1. At least one of the identical twins born is evil. 2. While defusing a bomb,don’t worry which wire to cut,you will always choose the right one. 3. A police can solve a case only when he is suspended from duty. 4. A hero will show no pain while getting beaten up but will show pain when a woman is trying to clean his wound. 5. If you decide to start dancing on street,everyone you meet will know the step.Tips To Improve Your Writing
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. Employ the vernacular.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren't necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
9. One should never generalize.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
13. Be more or less specific.
14. Understatement is always best.
15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
17. The passive voice is to be avoided.
18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
20. Who needs rhetorical questions?
21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
22. Don't never use a double negation.
23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
24. Do not put statements in the negative form.
25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
28. A writer must not shift your point of view.
29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.
32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
37. Always pick on the correct idiom.
38. The adverb always follows the verb.
39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.
1. Be especially patient with...
1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans. 2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours. 3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers. 4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: a. Don’t pee on the tree b. Don’t drink water in the container that holds the tree c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don’t rip them open e. Don’t chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree 5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans b. Don’t eat off the buffet table c. Beg for goodies subtly d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa e. Don’t drink out of glasses that are left within your reach 6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people’s houses. (4a is particularly important) b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house c. Tolerate children d. Turn on your charm big time 7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON’T BITE HIM!!Computer Literacy
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labelled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that t fixed?"
Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
Indian Surnames
1. Director of ISRO satellite preparing to take off - B. Reddy2) One who can't be steady after a drink - P. K.Girpade
3) A Konkani Bharthnaatyam Dancer - Thaka Dhimi Pai.
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