Ten Signs That You're At A Bad Zoo
1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp.
3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.
4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk.
5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King.
6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot.
7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you.
8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den.
9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit.
10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!
Marriages Jokes
1. Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.2. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
3. It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.
4. A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."
5. "Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. " I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?". "A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?" The husband replied. Because I work like a horse,live like a dog, and have to sleep with a silly cow."
1. You have the right to rema...
1. You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect to run away from me.2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth.3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his persuit of you in full stride.5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.6. Good luck. On your mark, get set....GO!!!!!1. You know you're over the h...
1. You know you're over the hill when you are arranging your hair instead of combing it. 2. You know you're over the hill when your idea of a good workout is standing up. 3. You know you're over the hill when you start picking your teeth out of the popcorn.32 Realization Your Not In College Any More
1. You?re waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.2. Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.
3. College sweatshirts are ?casual? instead of dress up.
4. Your parents charge rent.
5. The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, chips and cereal.
6. It?s ?getting late? when it?s 9:30 p.m.
7. Three words: Student Loan Payments.
8. You make thousands of dollars a year - and still can?t afford that dream Porsche.
9. You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.
10. Pickup football games means that at least one person will be in the hospital by game?s end.
11. THEN, discussing with your friends: GPA?s, spring break plans, and tonsil hockey; NOW: mutual funds, interest rates, and wedding plans.
12. Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
13. Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.
14. Sneakers are now ?weekend shoes?.
15. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
16. Pregnancy now brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.
17. Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.
18. The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.
19. The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.
20. You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, and MTV News.
21. Random hook-ups are no longer socially acceptable.
22. You wear more ties in a week than you even owned while in college.
23. You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.
24. You empathize with the characters from ?Friends.?
25. METABOLISM SLOWDOWN
26. Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone?s and Mad Dog.
27. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
28. Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.
29. When drinking, you say at least once per night, ?I just can?t put it down the same as I used to.?
30. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work, not video games.
31. You?re actually willing to pay a bit more to drink in a bar that?s not full of ?21-year-old kids.?
32. Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.
1. Your dog rides in your tru...
1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife. 2. You wear specific hats to tool sales, equipment auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations. 3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house. 4. You’ve never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket. 5. You can remember the square footage, pounds of nails required, crew labor rates and permit delays on a house you built 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife’s birthday. 6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper. 7. You have driven off the road while checking out the new housing development in your neighborhood. 8. You have ‘borrowed’ gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway. 9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby. 10. You’ve used the same knife to exterminate vermin and peel apples.1.) What kind of animal hates...
1.) What kind of animal hates to do it's laundry the most? A Leopard because he has so many spots.1.Happiness is only a shoe sh...
1.Happiness is only a shoe shop away 2.If you fart it is blamed on the nearest man 3.It is always the mans fault if the car goes wrong 4.Chocolate can really solve problems 5.You can end a fight by crying 6.You have the right to be a pain every month1.you always get the blame if something goes wrong 2.the kids always see you as the one that tells them to tidy their room and that they can't get a dog 3.The kitchen 4.People annoy you at totally the wrong time with their problems 5. The week after your period no one likes you 6.If you break up your relationship you only get half your cds back
Valentine Jokes
1.Laden's Valentine. A little boy comes home from first grade and tells his father that he learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "As Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get angry at me for giving someone a valentine?"The father thinks for a moment and then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," the boy says.
"Why Osama ," his father asks in disbelief.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd jump with joy. And then he'd go all over and tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Father's heart swells and he looks at his son with newfound pride and joy.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him."
2. Be My Valentine. A man walks into a post office one day and sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity gets the better of him; he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
3. What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hog and kisses!
4. What did one light bulb say to the other? "I love you a whole watt!"
Proper Care Of Floppies
1.Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.2.Disketts should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shaving can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the disk to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
3.Do not fold diskette unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
4.Diskette cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If you need to back up your data, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
Never insert a diskette into a drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
5.Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smearing or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.
6.If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the dishette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
7.Diskette may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskette dry before using.
8.Never use scissors or glue to manual edit documents. The data stored is much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
9.Periodically spray diskette with insecticide to prevent viruses from spreading.
10 Blondes & A Brunette
10 Blondes & A BrunetteThere were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from an airplane.
Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette.
They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.
Problem solved.
10 fun things to do at your l...
10 fun things to do at your local retail store..... 1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. 2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. 3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in. 5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. 6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. 7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. 8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. 9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in thin, narrow aisles. 10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, 'I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares,' and see what happens.10 Guinness's In 10 Minutes
10 Guinness's in 10 MinutesAn American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes." Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations. One guy even leaves the bar. A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?" "Sure." So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes. As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?" The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."
10 More Fun Things To Do In An Office
10 More Fun Things to do in an Office1. Stand at the washroom door carrying a baseball bat and ask everyone in a low voice if they washed their hands.
2. Gnaw on your mouse, make cat noises, and lick your hands from time to time.
3. Walk into people's offices, taking a careful look around. Talk into your shirt, saying 'No sign of him yet, Chief.'
4. When the phone rings, answer by saying 'KBBL, you're on the air.'
5. Proudly show everyone your calculator and hand out cigars. Tell them your computer just had a baby.
6. Paint your face blue and start searching around in people's desk drawers. Ask them if they've seen your pills.
7. Create a document that is entirely black and print hundreds of copies. Use the print-outs as wallpaper for your office.
8. Build a fire pit out of cinder blocks in the staff room. Place a stack of firewood in the corner, along with matches, lighter fluid, hot dogs, and marshmallows.
9. Get in the elevator and pretend to hold the door open for invisible people.
10. Tape the entrance to your neighbors cubical door closed and fill it with styrofoam packing.
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