Funny Kids Jokes - Part 33

A bra and a set of jumper lea...

A bra and a set of jumper leads walked into a bar and asked for two tui's the bar man said"sorry i cant serve you." the bra and jumper leads answered back"why not" the bar man said"your off your tits and you lock like your about to start something".

A Brain Goes To A Local Bar

A brain goes to a local bar
A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."
The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."
"Why not?" askes the brain.
"You're already out of your head."

A brain surgeon told a patien...

A brain surgeon told a patient ?you have a growing mass in your brain, it needs to be tended to immediately or it will kill you" The patient agreed to surgery the very next day. Immediately after opening the skull the surgeon took a biopsy of the ugly growing mass and gave it to the surgical nurse with instructions to rush it to the lab and have it analyzed. After a few minutes the nurse returned with the results and stood silently and grimly in front of the surgeon?. The surgeon finally asked?."WELL IS IT MALIGNANT?" The nurse replied?" I'm afraid it?s worse" ?" WORSE", the surgeon barked, "WHAT CAN BE WORSE THAN MALIGNANT?" The nurse bowed her head and replied solemnly, "it's Liberal Progressive"?!!!

A brilliant magician was perf...

A brilliant magician was performing on an ocean liner. But every time he did a trick, a talking cat in the audience would scream, "It's a trick. It's not magic. You're a big phony!" Then one night during a storm, the ship sank while the magician was performing. And who should end up in the same lifeboat together, all alone, but the talking cat and the magician! For three days, they glared at each other, neither one saying a word to the other. Finally the cat sighed and said, "All right, smart-aleck. You and your darn tricks. What did you do with the ship?"

A brilliant young boy was app...

A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?" "Yes", the boy replied. "Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?" The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation." "What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?" "I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually" "And if the lever was broken?" "I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied. "And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?" The boy thought about that one. "I'd run into town and get my uncle" "Is your uncle an electrician?" "No, but he's never seen a train crash before!"

Laloo's Point Of View

A British Diplomat paid a courtesy visit to Lalloojee.
During a Garden party at the Palace, he thought of entertaining Lalloojee with the following magic of numbers.
He said, "Your excellency, Look at the value of the alphabet: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Now, look at this Sir, if we calculate together it will be:
H A R D W O R K 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only
K N O W L E D G E 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only
L O B B Y I N G 12 15 2 2 25 9 14 7 = 86 % Only
L U C K 12 21 3 11 = 47 % Only
Sir, you should look at the final one, which is most important.
A T T I T U D E 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %
Sir, do you find it useful?
This magic can work on your people to improve themselves, increase productivity, and make your Kingdom prosperous.
Sir, I can arrange to send our experts to coach your people. We can do t in less than a year"
Lalloojee thought for a while; and said,
"I have better formula. See this......
C O R R U P T I O N 3 15 18 21 16 9 15 14 = 111 %
Do you want me to come and teach your people? I can do it in less than one week."

A British doctor says, “...

A British doctor says, “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in six weeks.” A German doctor says, “That’s nothing . We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another man,and have him looking for work in four weeks.” A Russian doctor says, “In my country, medicine is so advanced we take half a heart out of one person, put it in another man,and have both of them looking for work in two weeks.” The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, “You guys are way behind us. We just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.

A British General had sent so...

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General began, “I can’t give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?”Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!” General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds”Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!”General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds”Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!”General: “That’s a strange but fair request, son!As the general begins the measurement: “What! Son, where is your left pinky?”Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr!”

Search For A Dead Bird

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.
Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.
The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"

A Brunette And A Blonde Are Walking In A Park...

A brunette and a blonde are walking in a park...
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park.
The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie".
The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"

A brunette, a red-haired and ...

A brunette, a red-haired and a blonde comes to an edge of a hill. The rule is: if you lie, you fall off the hill.A brunette says: - I think I'm the most beautiful... And she falls off the hill.A red-haired says: - I think I'm the most clever... And she falls off the hill.A blonde says: I think... And she falls off the hill.

A Brunette, A Redhead, And A Blonde In A Fire

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde in a Fire
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH the firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"
"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.
No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."

A brunette, a redhead, and a ...

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store.The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, “meow”, the cop says, “oh, its only a cat”He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, “woof, woof”. The cop says, “its only a dog”.He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, “potato”

A brunnette and a red haid we...

A brunnette and a red haid were riding in the front of a pickup truck the blonde was in the back. The truck crashed into the lake and the redhead and the brunnette made it to shore quickly but it took the blonde ten min. They asked when she got there, "What took so long"? The blonde replied, " I had to get the tailgate open".

A building contractor does ex...

A building contractor does extremely well and decides to retire and become a Gentleman Farmer. He buys himself a big ranch and gets right down to it. One day, the contractor is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground. A neighboring farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the contractor. “You need a mule to plow that wet ground.” he says. “Where can I buy one?” asks the contractor. “Just happens I gots one for 100 dollars.” says the farmer. The contractor looks at his shiny tractor stuck in three feet of thick mud. “I’ll take him,” he says, and counts out the money. “Cain’t bring him over today, don’t work on Sunday. Bring it by tomorrow, ‘k?” “Sure.” says the contractor. The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. “Sorry, bad news.” he says, “I went out after breakfast and the mule was dead. See?” he points to the dead mule in the back of his truck. “Well, no harm done, just give me my money back.” says the contractor. “Can’t, spent it already!” the farmer looks crestfallen. The contractor thinks for a few minutes, then smiles at his neighbor. “Tell you what, Cletus. You go ahead and unload the mule anyways.” “Whatcha gonna do with a dead mule?” The contractor smiles. “Same thing I used to do out on a job when I got stuck with a load of crap material. Don’t you worry, none. Just load that mule right up into the back of my truck and we’ll be square.” The old farmer shakes his head at the obvious stupidity of his new city slicker neighbor, but what the heck, he thinks, and loads the mule up into the contractor’s truck. A month goes by and the contractor and farmer run into each other at the town barber shop. By now the whole county had heard about the big city contractor buying a dead mule for $100. “What did ya do with that dead mule?” asks the farmer, with a sly wink at the other guys in the barbershop. The contractor sits himself right down in the barber’s chair, and smiles wide. “Told ya – same as I used to do whenever I got stuck with a load of crap material. Raffled him off.” “Raffled him off? How on earth did you manage to raffle off a dead mule?” “I listed his height, weight, and color, and sold 100 tickets at two dollars each. Made $98 dollars profit.” “Didn’t anyone complain?” “Just the one guy, so I gave him his two dollars back!”