Funny Kids Jokes - Part 40

A Concerned mother warns her ...

A Concerned mother warns her little boy, "don't look at naked women or you'll turn to stone."Johnny loved his mother, and as such decided not to look at naked women.But one day johhny and his friend were walking along a beach, and saw a woman sunbathing naked. Johnny remembered what his mother said, and turned and ran away from the woman. his friend finally catches up to him and asks why he ran.Johnny told his friend what his mother said, and then added, "and it must be true, because when i saw that woman I felt myself going rock hard in my trousers

Wonderful One Liner

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A Construction Worker Walks Into A Bar ...

A construction worker walks into a bar ...
A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends.
After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.
He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent.
He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.
"You got a problem, buddy?"
"Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

A contractor and a lawyer are...

A contractor and a lawyer are in car accident and show up at the Pearly Gates together. St. Peter greets them. “Come with me, my sons,” he says. “I will take you to the homes where you will spend all of eternity.” The contractor and the lawyer get into St. Peter’s holy convertible, and they all head on down a beautiful golden road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with sparkling diamonds. They pull up in front of a huge luxury mansion, where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, “Here is your home for the rest of eternity, my son, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.” The contractor is pretty excited as St. Peter goes back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, and onto the street of gold. Then they turn down an avenue of silver, drive along a stone alley and over an unpaved footpath to pull up in front of a rickety aluminum-siding cabin with a little picket fence. St Peter says, “Here you go!” and starts to leave. “Hey now, wait just a minute here!” says the shocked contractor. “I’ve been a good man all my life! I always did my business honestly, treated others fairly, cherished my family, and was a good steward of the Earth! How come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?” St. Peter says: “Well, contractors are a dime a dozen here, but we’ve never had a lawyer before.”

A contractor hired two brothe...

A contractor hired two brothers to install home siding. He demonstrated the process and sent them off to their first job. Things were going smoothly when the older brother saw that his younger brother was throwing nails away. He asked; "why are you throwing those nails away?" The younger brother replied, " The heads are on the wrong end." The older brother laughed, " Those are for the other side of the house."

A contractor is working on a ...

A contractor is working on a roof when a blonde walks by. She smiles at the guy and in a perky voice says, “T.G.I.F!”. The contractor looks at her and replies, “S – H – I – T.!”. The blond’s smile falters a bit as she digests the contractor’s response. Then she smiles her biggest, friendliest smile and says, “T.G.I.F.!”. Again the contractor responds by saying, “S – H – I – T.!”. The woman is obviously quite upset and asks the contractor, “Don’t you know that T.G.I.F means Thank God Its Friday?”. The contractor says,”Yes I do, and S – H – I – T. means Sorry Honey Its Thursday!”.

A contractor walks into his n...

A contractor walks into his neighborhood bar and says to the bartender, “Hey Joe, you know how I’m always having to get rid of critters when I do crawljobs?” The bartender smiles, “You complain about it all the time, Bob.” “Well, if I show you something really cool, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender considers it, then agrees. The contractor reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. “Check this out!” he says. “I found him last week while I was fixing Missus Jones’ ductwork.” He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The barteneder is amazed, and pours Bob a beer. After Bob finishes his drink, he asks the bartender, “If I show you an even cooler trick, will you give me free beers for the rest of the evening?” The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The contractor reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tiny rat again. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out the tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The contractor reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music. Number after number, the frog sings his head off. Everyone in the bar is amazed. While the contractor is enjoying his beers, a stranger walks up to him and offers him $100,000 for the bullfrog. “Sorry,” the contractor replies, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger increases the offer to $250,000 cash up front. “No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000 cash. The contractor finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. “Are you insane?” the bartender demanded. “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” the contractor answered. “The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”

A contractor walks into his n...

A contractor walks into his neighborhood bar and says to the bartender, “Hey Joe, you know how I’m always having to get rid of critters when I do crawljobs?” The bartender smiles, “You complain about it all the time, Bob.” “Well, if I show you something really cool, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender considers it, then agrees. The contractor reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. “Check this out!” he says. “I found him last week while I was fixing Missus Jones’ ductwork.” He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The barteneder is amazed, and pours Bob a beer. After Bob finishes his drink, he asks the bartender, “If I show you an even cooler trick, will you give me free beers for the rest of the evening?” The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The contractor reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tiny rat again. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out the tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The contractor reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music. Number after number, the frog sings his head off. Everyone in the bar is amazed. While the contractor is enjoying his beers, a stranger walks up to him and offers him $100,000 for the bullfrog. “Sorry,” the contractor replies, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger increases the offer to $250,000 cash up front. “No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000 cash. The contractor finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. “Are you insane?” the bartender demanded. “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” the contractor answered. “The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”

A cop asks a nigger:Can you l...

A cop asks a nigger:Can you legitimate yourself?Is this because I’m black?

A cop is staking out a bar fo...

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.The cop says, "How is this possible?"The guy says,"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

A cop once pulled Chuck Norri...

A cop once pulled Chuck Norris over...Luckily, the cop left only with a warning.

A cop pulls a car over on the...

A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the driver’s license, the driver argued, “Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car the the car in back of me.”

A cop pulls a guy over for we...

A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic.He walks up to the drivers window and asks, "You drinkin'?"The driver said, "You buyin'?"

A cop pulls a young guy over:...

A cop pulls a young guy over: "Hello officer" said the smart aleck kid. "Young man did you see that stop sign?" asked the cop. Yup, but I didn't see you!

A cop pulls over a carload of...

A cop pulls over a carload of nuns. Cop: “Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway — why are you going so slow?” Sister: “Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.” Cop: “Oh sister, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on! Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful. At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends back there? They’re shaking something terrible. Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.