Priest And Lawyer
A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.
Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.
He says, "I'm still working on it."
Two years pass by and no marriage.
St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.
Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.
The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.
"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.
St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"
A couple, desperate to concei...
A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you." When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him. "He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.A court appointed lawyer was ...
A court appointed lawyer was defending this idiot in lower court. The judge found him guilty, and said 30 days and $30.00. The lawyer said ?what do you want to do?? Not having much education the idiot said, ?Let?s peal it up stairs? The lawyer said ?your honor we appeal this case up to a higher court? When they got in the higher court the judge said 60 days and $60.00. What do you want to do now, he asked the idiot? Let?s peal it back down stairs.A court jester is thrown into...
A court jester is thrown into jail for telling terrible jokes.Cowboy With The Horse
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
A cowboy rode up to the saloo...
A cowboy rode up to the saloon, dismounted from his horse, and dusted himself off. He then walked around to the rear of his horse, lifted the tail and kissed it right on the rectum. As the cowboy walked into the saloon, the shocked barkeeper asked, "Did you just kiss your horse's butt?" The cowboy said, "Sure, I've got chapped lips." The stunned barkeep asked if this was an old Indian cure. The cowboy said, "Nope. But, sure as s**t, it keeps me from licking my lips!"A Critical Shortage Of Typists
A critical shortage of typistsA soldier was asked to report to the headquarters sergeant for an assignment. The sergeant said, ?We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this,? he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.
The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.
The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. ?That's fine,?" he said. ?Report for work at 8 tomorrow.?
?But aren't you going to check the test?? the prospective clerk asked.
The sergeant grinned. ?You passed the test,? he replied, ?when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine.?
A crocodile has 2 eyes and 80...
A crocodile has 2 eyes and 80 teeth.Question:What has 80 eyes and 2 teeth?Answer:A full bus of old men.The Damn Case!
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account.".To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?".
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account, right now!".
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damned lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!".
"I see," says the manager, "and this witch is giving you a hard time?".
A crusty old Sergeant Major f...
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now." I LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME!!A crying, three-legged dog wa...
A crying, three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."A Cub Scout trop was half an ...
A Cub Scout trop was half an hour late to its den meeting. The den mother asked them severely, ?Why are you so late?? ?Oh,? said one boy, ?we were helping an old man cross the street.? ?That?s a nice thing for scouts to do,? said the mother. She paused. ?But it shouldn?t make you half an hour late.? ?Well, you see,? said another boy, ?he didn?t want to go.?The Act Of Unlocking
A customer arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up their car, They were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it.He went to the service department and found a mechanic, Mr Santa working feverishly to unlock the driver`s side door.
As the customer watched from the passenger`s side, he instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open.
"Hey," he announced to the technician, "It`s open!"
"I know," answered Santa.- "I already got that side."
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