Funny Kids Jokes - Part 49

Bad Food

A Doctor was addressing a large audience:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

A doctor was having an affair...

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heartattack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

A Dog At The Movies

A Dog at the Movies
Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?"
"Yes," she replied. "I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!"

No Beef

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his lawyer neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." said the butcher.
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150

A dog thinks: Hey, these peop...

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... I must be a God!

A dog thinks: Hey, these peop...

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!? A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

A dog was chasing a neighbori...

A dog was chasing a neighboring cat around the block. The dog soon had the cat flattened. What did the cat say...?
Me-Owww!!!

A dog went to a telegram offi...

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

A Dog's Rules For Christmas

A Dog's Rules For Christmas
1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
a. Don't pee on the tree
b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree
d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open
e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree
5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
b. Don't eat off the buffet table
c. Beg for goodies subtly
d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:
a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)
b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
c. Tolerate children
d. Turn on your charm big time
7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON'T BITE HIM!!

A Dog's Telegram

A Dog's Telegram
On a slow day with few customers, a clerk at a telegram office looks down from her counter and sees a dog waiting in line. "Oh, aren't you cute?" she says. "What would you like me to put on your telegram?" "Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow," the dog replies. The clerk says in a cutesy voice, "But you can add another 'Bow wow wow' for the same price."
The dog responds, "Now wouldn't that sound a little silly?"

A down and out musician was p...

A down and out musician was playing his harmonica in the middle of a busy shopping mall. Striding over, a policeman asked, ?May I please see your permit?? I don?t have one,? confessed the musician. ?In that case, you?ll have to accompany me.? ?Splendid!? exclaimed the musician. ?What shall we sing??

A drill sergeant had just che...

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

A drill sergeant had just che...

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir!I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

A drill sergeant had just che...

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.” The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge…no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line!”

A drill sergeant had just che...

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge…no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line!”