Funny Kids Jokes - Part 50

Licence Prob

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

A driver was pulled over by a...

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act.’ "Well, show me," the officer demanded. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

A driving instructor: What wo...

A driving instructor: What would you do if you were going up an icy hill and the motor stalled and brakes failed? His student replied; I?d quickly adjust the rearview mirror.

A drunk and a preacher were d...

A drunk and a preacher were driving up a mountainside in different vehicles. The drunk was swerving from side to side; the preacher was driving straight and true. All of a sudden, the preacher lost control and drove off the edge of a cliff. The drunk noticed the preacher going off the edge, so he stopped his car and went to see if he was all right. He noticed the preacher was climbing up the hillside. He yelled down at the preacher, "Are you alright?" And the preacher replied, "Have no fear my son, I had the Lord riding with me." The drunk then yelled back, "You had better let him ride with me next time, cuz your gonna get him killed!"

A drunk guy approaches a cute...

A drunk guy approaches a cute girl in a singles bar. ?Hi Babe, how about a date? He says. ?Don?t waste your time. I never go out with a perfect stranger.? ?It seems we are both in luck. I?m far from perfect.?

A drunk guy in Alaska decides...

A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, when a loud booming voice says, "You will find no fish there."The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The voice booms again, "You will find no fish under the ice."The drunk looks up and says, "God, is that you?"The voice says, "No, I'm the manager of this ice rink."

A drunk in a bar pukes all ov...

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties.“Why are there two twenties?” she asks.The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”

A drunk is driving through th...

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road.Eventually a cop pulls him over."Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?""Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

A drunk on his way home from ...

A drunk on his way home from a bar one night realizes that he has dropped his keys. He gets down on his hands and knees and starts groping around beneath a lamppost. A policeman asks what he’s doing."I lost my keys in the park,” says the drunk."Then why are you looking for them under the lamppost?” asks the puzzled cop."Because,” says the drunk, "that’s where the light is.”

A drunk phoned police to repo...

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car."They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line."Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

A drunk staggers into a Catho...

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .The drunk mumbles, "ain’t no use knocking, there’s no paper on this side either!"

A drunk stumbles up to a woma...

A drunk stumbles up to a woman in a bar and says ?Hey baby, how about coming back to my place for a nightcap?
?That?ll be the day!? she says ?Well, howzabout having dinner with me tomorrow night then?? ?That?ll be the day!? she says ?Okay, why don?t we take my corporate jet and spend the weekend in Rome?? ?This?ll be the day.? She says

A drunk walks into a bar and ...

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Hey bartender. If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The bartender says "sure" and the drunk pulls a frog out of his pocket and sets it down on the table. The frog then plays the best jazz the bartender heard in years and he gives the drunk his free drink. The drunk says " hey bartender. If I show you another trick will you give me another free drink?" The bartender says "If it's anything like the trick you just showed me, you can drink the rest of the night for free." So the drunk pulls a rat out of his pocket and the rat starts singing. The bartender starts pouring drinks for the drunk as fast as the drunk could drink them. Two hours later, an agent walks into a bar and sees the frog and the rat. He walks up to the bartender and says "That's the greatest act I've seen in years. Who owns that act?" The bartender points to the drunk who's passed out on the floor and says "He does." The agent wakes the drunk and says" That's the greatest act I?ve seen in years. I'll give you $100,000 for that act." The drunk says "There not for sale." "Ok," the agent says "then I'll give you $50,000 for the singing rat." "It's a deal" the drunk says so the agent gives him the money and leaves with the rat. "I can't believe you! You had a million dollar rat there you just passed it up for a measly 50 grand" The bartender yells. "Relax," said the drunk, "The frogs a ventriloquist."

A drunk walks into a bar, ord...

A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me.""Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned.""Thass a great idea!"When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's $10 in here!""Oh yeah, he sh*t my pants, too."

A drunk walks up to a barkeep...

A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is."The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano. The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink.The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night." The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog."Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor.The agent wakes him up and says,"I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act." The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says, "Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat." The drunk say, "deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, "Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?"The Drunk says, "Relax, the frog is a vantriliqist."