?A woman was worried whether ...
?A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance.?? Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband's voice was heard answering, "Hello Margaret, this is meeee..." ?"Fred," she answered. I just have to know if you're happy there in the afterlife. What's it like there?"?? ?"Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."?? "Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.?? "Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I'm a buffalo in Montana."?But doctor,? lamented the yo...
?But doctor,? lamented the young husband in counseling, ?whenever Sue and I quarrel, she becomes historical.? ?You mean, hysterical,? said the doctor. ?No, historical. She is always digging up my past.??Dad, the career counselor sa...
?Dad, the career counselor said that with a mind like mine I should study criminal law.? ?That is wonderful, son. I?m proud of you.? ?He said I had a criminal mind.??Didn?t you suspect burglars ...
?Didn?t you suspect burglars had been in the house when you saw all the drawers pulled out and the contents scattered all over the floor?? asked the policeman. ?No, I just thought my husband had been looking for a clean shirt,? replied the woman.?Do you obtain good SAT resul...
?Do you obtain good SAT results?? asked the father of a prospective pupil. ?Oh, indeed we do,? said the Principal of the expensive private school. ?We guarantee satisfaction ? or we return the student???Doc!? the man yells. I?ve lo...
?Doc!? the man yells. I?ve lost my memory!? ?Calm down, sir. When did this happen.? The man looked at him. ?When did what happen???Doctor!? complained the pati...
?Doctor!? complained the patient; ?I keep seeing spots before my eyes.? The doctor scratched his head. ?Why have you come to me?Have you seen an ophthalmologist?? ?No,? replied the patient, ?just spots.?
?Doctor, doctor! My family th...
?Doctor, doctor! My family thinks I?m mad!? ?Why is that?? ?I like sausages.? ?There?s nothing strange about that. I like sausages too.? ?Really? You must come and see my collection ? I?ve gotthousands!?
?Doctor, doctor!? said the pa...
?Doctor, doctor!? said the panic-stricken woman, ?my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he?s swallowed a mouse! What shall I do?? ?Quite simple,? said the doctor calmly. ?You just tie a lump of cheese to a piece of string and lower it into your husband?s mouth. As soon as the mouse takes a bite ? haul it out.? ?Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I?ll go around to the fishmonger straight away and get a cod?s head.? ?What do you want a cod?s head for?? ?Oh- I forgot to tell you. I?ve got to get the cat out first!??Doctor, I keep thinking I?m ...
?Doctor, I keep thinking I?m a goat.? ?How long have you had this feeling?? ?Ever since I was a kid.??Doctor, you told me I have a...
?Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you sent me a bill for$1,000! I can?t pay that before the end of the month!? ?Okay, you have six months to live.?
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