Funny Kids Jokes - Part 50

Licence Prob

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

A driver was pulled over by a...

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act.’ "Well, show me," the officer demanded. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

A driving instructor: What wo...

A driving instructor: What would you do if you were going up an icy hill and the motor stalled and brakes failed? His student replied; I?d quickly adjust the rearview mirror.

A drunk and a preacher were d...

A drunk and a preacher were driving up a mountainside in different vehicles. The drunk was swerving from side to side; the preacher was driving straight and true. All of a sudden, the preacher lost control and drove off the edge of a cliff. The drunk noticed the preacher going off the edge, so he stopped his car and went to see if he was all right. He noticed the preacher was climbing up the hillside. He yelled down at the preacher, "Are you alright?" And the preacher replied, "Have no fear my son, I had the Lord riding with me." The drunk then yelled back, "You had better let him ride with me next time, cuz your gonna get him killed!"

A drunk guy approaches a cute...

A drunk guy approaches a cute girl in a singles bar. ?Hi Babe, how about a date? He says. ?Don?t waste your time. I never go out with a perfect stranger.? ?It seems we are both in luck. I?m far from perfect.?

A drunk guy in Alaska decides...

A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, when a loud booming voice says, "You will find no fish there."The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The voice booms again, "You will find no fish under the ice."The drunk looks up and says, "God, is that you?"The voice says, "No, I'm the manager of this ice rink."

A drunk in a bar pukes all ov...

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties.“Why are there two twenties?” she asks.The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”

A drunk is driving through th...

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road.Eventually a cop pulls him over."Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?""Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

A drunk on his way home from ...

A drunk on his way home from a bar one night realizes that he has dropped his keys. He gets down on his hands and knees and starts groping around beneath a lamppost. A policeman asks what he’s doing."I lost my keys in the park,” says the drunk."Then why are you looking for them under the lamppost?” asks the puzzled cop."Because,” says the drunk, "that’s where the light is.”

A drunk phoned police to repo...

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car."They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line."Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

A drunk staggers into a Catho...

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .The drunk mumbles, "ain’t no use knocking, there’s no paper on this side either!"

A drunk stumbles up to a woma...

A drunk stumbles up to a woman in a bar and says ?Hey baby, how about coming back to my place for a nightcap?
?That?ll be the day!? she says ?Well, howzabout having dinner with me tomorrow night then?? ?That?ll be the day!? she says ?Okay, why don?t we take my corporate jet and spend the weekend in Rome?? ?This?ll be the day.? She says

A drunk walks into a bar and ...

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Hey bartender. If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The bartender says "sure" and the drunk pulls a frog out of his pocket and sets it down on the table. The frog then plays the best jazz the bartender heard in years and he gives the drunk his free drink. The drunk says " hey bartender. If I show you another trick will you give me another free drink?" The bartender says "If it's anything like the trick you just showed me, you can drink the rest of the night for free." So the drunk pulls a rat out of his pocket and the rat starts singing. The bartender starts pouring drinks for the drunk as fast as the drunk could drink them. Two hours later, an agent walks into a bar and sees the frog and the rat. He walks up to the bartender and says "That's the greatest act I've seen in years. Who owns that act?" The bartender points to the drunk who's passed out on the floor and says "He does." The agent wakes the drunk and says" That's the greatest act I?ve seen in years. I'll give you $100,000 for that act." The drunk says "There not for sale." "Ok," the agent says "then I'll give you $50,000 for the singing rat." "It's a deal" the drunk says so the agent gives him the money and leaves with the rat. "I can't believe you! You had a million dollar rat there you just passed it up for a measly 50 grand" The bartender yells. "Relax," said the drunk, "The frogs a ventriloquist."

A drunk walks into a bar, ord...

A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me.""Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned.""Thass a great idea!"When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's $10 in here!""Oh yeah, he sh*t my pants, too."

A drunk walks up to a barkeep...

A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is."The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano. The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink.The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night." The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog."Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor.The agent wakes him up and says,"I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act." The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says, "Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat." The drunk say, "deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, "Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?"The Drunk says, "Relax, the frog is a vantriliqist."

Funny Kids Jokes - Part 49

Bad Food

A Doctor was addressing a large audience:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

A doctor was having an affair...

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heartattack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

A Dog At The Movies

A Dog at the Movies
Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?"
"Yes," she replied. "I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!"

No Beef

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his lawyer neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." said the butcher.
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150

A dog thinks: Hey, these peop...

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... I must be a God!

A dog thinks: Hey, these peop...

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!? A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

A dog was chasing a neighbori...

A dog was chasing a neighboring cat around the block. The dog soon had the cat flattened. What did the cat say...?
Me-Owww!!!

A dog went to a telegram offi...

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

A Dog's Rules For Christmas

A Dog's Rules For Christmas
1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
a. Don't pee on the tree
b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree
d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open
e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree
5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
b. Don't eat off the buffet table
c. Beg for goodies subtly
d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:
a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)
b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
c. Tolerate children
d. Turn on your charm big time
7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON'T BITE HIM!!

A Dog's Telegram

A Dog's Telegram
On a slow day with few customers, a clerk at a telegram office looks down from her counter and sees a dog waiting in line. "Oh, aren't you cute?" she says. "What would you like me to put on your telegram?" "Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow," the dog replies. The clerk says in a cutesy voice, "But you can add another 'Bow wow wow' for the same price."
The dog responds, "Now wouldn't that sound a little silly?"

A down and out musician was p...

A down and out musician was playing his harmonica in the middle of a busy shopping mall. Striding over, a policeman asked, ?May I please see your permit?? I don?t have one,? confessed the musician. ?In that case, you?ll have to accompany me.? ?Splendid!? exclaimed the musician. ?What shall we sing??

A drill sergeant had just che...

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

A drill sergeant had just che...

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir!I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

A drill sergeant had just che...

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.” The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge…no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line!”

A drill sergeant had just che...

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge…no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line!”

Funny Kids Jokes - Part 48

A doctor got a phone call fro...

A doctor got a phone call from one of his colleagues. ?We need a fourth for poker,? the voice on the phone said. ?I?ll be right over,? replied the doctor. As he was putting on his overcoat, his wife asked, ?Is it serious?? ?Oh yes, quite serious,? he said gravely. ?They?ve had to call in three other doctors as well.?

A doctor had been attending a...

A doctor had been attending a rich old man for some time, but it became apparent that the old chap had not long to live. Accordingly, the doctor advised his wealthy patient to put his affairs in order. "Oh yes, I've done that," said the old gentleman. "I've only got to make a will. And do you know what I'm going to do with all my money? I'm going to leave it to the doctor who saves my life."

A doctor has come to see one ...

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. “Doctor,” says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. “Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?” “I don’t see why not,” replies the doctor. “That’s funny,” says the man. “I wasn’t able to play it before.”

A doctor is talking to a car ...

A doctor is talking to a car engineer, “Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.” “Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn’t changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month.”

A doctor is talking to a car ...

A doctor is talking to a car engineer, “Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.” “Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn’t changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month.”

A doctor made it his regular ...

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry, "replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

A doctor notices a sidewalk s...

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.'He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound' and another sign that says 'Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.'So he asks the man behind the cash register, how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?The man replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?

A doctor of psychology was do...

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, “Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?” The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, “Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a lightbulb.” The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2′s face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, “If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself” Patient #1 replies, “What? And work in the dark?”

Crazy People Talk

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

A doctor taking care of his l...

A doctor taking care of his last appointment of the day gives this man a thorough exam and finds him in optimal health. As the man is going out the door, he had a heart attack and died. The doctor looks at the man and tells the nurse, ?help me turn him around to it looks like he was just coming in.?

A doctor told his patient aft...

A doctor told his patient after reviewing his x-rays he needed surgery costing $5000.00. The patient said he only had $500.00 and what could be done. The doctor said, "Well, I can always touch-up your x-rays."

A doctor told his patient tha...

A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live."That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient."Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."

A doctor traveling by car alo...

A doctor traveling by car along a country road collides with an attorney who happens to be driving in the opposite direction. The attorney, seeing that the doctor is a bit shaken up, helps him from the car and offers him a drink of Scotch from his hip flask. The doctor accepts, took a long drink and hands the flask back to the attorney, who closes it and puts it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asks the doctor. The attorney replies, "Sure ? as soon as the police leave."

A doctor vacationing on the R...

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"

A Doctor was addressing a lar...

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

Funny Kids Jokes - Part 47

A director’s wife hears that ...

A director’s wife hears that her husband has a new secretary. The director comes home and the wife starts putting questions:Does this new secretary of yours have nice legs?I don’t know.What color do her eyes have?I didn’t notice... But about dressing, how does she dress?Very fast...

A dirty little boy was playin...

A dirty little boy was playing at the playground and walked up to his mother and asked, "Who am I?" The mother replied, "I don't know! Who are you?" the little boy said excitedly, "WOW! My teacher was right. She said that I was so dirty that even my own mother wouldn't recognize me."

NICE ARABS

A disappointed salesman of Pepsi returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asks, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explains, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Pepsi is virtually unknown there."
But, I had a problem....I didn't know how to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...
First poster - a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and panting ....
Second - the man is drinking our Pepsi ....
and Third - our man is now totally refreshed ....
Then these posters were pasted all over the place"
"That should have worked," said the friend.
The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."

A distraught older woman is l...

A distraught older woman is looking at herself in the mirror and crying. Her voice shakes as she says to her husband, "I'm so old. I'm so fat. I look horrible. I really need a compliment." Her husband, determined to quickly give his beloved the comfort she needs, exclaims, "Damn, do you have good eyesight!"

A divorced billionaire was or...

A divorced billionaire was ordered by the Court to hand over a 49% share of his Corporation to his ex-wife. The Billionaire, we will call him Sam, was actively involved in acquiring properties wherever he chose. At an annual Board Meeting with his executives, the company stockholders, minus the ex-wife, were reviewing the land acquisitions during the time since Sam's divorce was finalized. They started a discussion of each property, one by one. "Fish Haven, Idaho, I see the aggression expression on that purchase", the one executive commented. Sam gave his nod of admission of its truth. The next company man made his statement, "Dog Walk, Kentucky", "Again we have an aggression expression, don't we Sam?" Sam concurred with that fact again. "Horse heads, New York," and the company man said, "Aggression Expression with DRAMATIC innuendo!" Sam was all too willing to say yes and be understood as an angry and vengeful man. The next property on the roster was Canton, Ohio. "Canton, Ohio?? asked the 4th company man, "I don't see any sign of your conveyance of your indignation, to your ex, on this property name." Sam replied, "No, this acquisition was just to say I love Chinese food."

A doctor and a dentist fell i...

A doctor and a dentist fell in love with a same girl. One day, the dentist had to go abroad for one week to fulfill his work, so he gave the girl seven apples and asked her to eat one apple everyday.
Know why? An apple a day keeps the doctor away!

A doctor and a lawyer were ta...

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?""I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Doctor And Lawyer

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer

A doctor asks a patient while...

A doctor asks a patient while examining her:How many sex partners did you have?5 or 6, don't remember exactly..Hmm, not that many...Yes, that wasn't the most successful weekend.

A Doctor at a health conferen...

A Doctor at a health conference said ?The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be destructive, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?? After several seconds of silence, a 70-year-old man sitting in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ?Wedding Cake.?

A doctor broke the bad news t...

A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. ?I?m afraid her mind?s completely gone,? he said. ?Makes sense,? mumbled the man. ?She?s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.?

A doctor calls his patient an...

A doctor calls his patient and says; the check you gave me for my bill came back. The patient replied: So did my arthritis!

A doctor examined a woman, to...

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, ?I don?t like the looks of your wife at all,? ?Me neither doc,? said the husband. ?But she?s a great cook and really good with the kids.?

A doctor examining a woman wh...

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.?
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

A doctor gets to bury his mis...

A doctor gets to bury his mistakes. An architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Funny Kids Jokes - Part 46

Dentist Jokes

A dentist?s patient was grumbling about the fee. ?Two hundred rupees for pulling out a tooth!,? she exclaimed. ?And it?s only a minute?s work.?
?Well, if you wish,? the dentist said, ?I?ll take it out slowly.?

A Department Store

A department store A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

A depressed patient went to s...

A depressed patient went to see his primary care doctor as a routine check-up. The patient always looked stressed and depressed. After the examination and review all the patient's medicine (total of 8 different medications and some of them instruct to take two and three times a day) the doctor said " you must drink a lot of fluids when taking each of these medications ?The patient was quiet and spoke softly to himself " then I don't think I have to eat anything else".

A deputy police officer respo...

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The “disturbance” turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What’s more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.Said the policeman, “I’ll bet that you’re also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini.”The giant nodded.“If I had some chains,” the deputy continued, “you could show us how strong you really are. But all I’ve got is a set of handcuffs. Why don’t you see just how quickly you can break out of them?”Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. “I can’t get out of these,” the giant growled.“Are you sure?” the deputy asked.The fellow tried again. “Nope,” he replied. “I can’t do it.”“In that case,” said the deputy, “you’re under arrest.”

A descendant of Eric The Red,...

A descendant of Eric The Red, named Rudolf the Red, was arguing with his wife about the weather. His wife thought it was going to be a nice day, and he thought it was going to rain. Finally she asked him, how he was so sure. He smiled at her, and calmly said, "Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."
(Rudolf the red-nosed raindeer?)

Employment!

A desi was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column Salary Expected. He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote : Yes.

A desperate man enters a bar ...

A desperate man enters a bar and says:All the lawyers are stupid!!!From a table a solid man rises up and goes to the desperate man:Take that back!Why? Are you a lawyer?No, I’m stupid...

A desperate man goes to the d...

A desperate man goes to the doctor because he can't get a hard-on.He says " Doc I can't live without sex, I need the use of my equipment back!!" The Doc says " There is an experimental procedure where the muclesof a baby elephants' trunk are removed and implanted in your penis, thisgives you the full use of your penis." Great I'll do it.Some time after the procedure, the man is at dinner with his date.He feels a rustle in his pants. So he just ignored it. It happens again.So he figured it just needed some air. So he unzips his pants to let itout. The problem seemed to go away until his penis reached up onto thetable, grabbed a roll and disapeared back under the table. His date staredin complete awe and said " Can you do that again". He said " Probally but I don't think I could fit another roll up my ass."

A Detroit-area woman who was ...

A Detroit-area woman who was removed from a jury for commenting about the ongoing case on Facebook has a longer writing task ahead: a five-page essay about the constitutional right to a fair trial. She responded, "Can I just get the answer from Wikipedia and send it to the inbox on your Facebook page instead?"

A Diamond Is Forever

A diamond is forever
A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring. Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized rock in its center.
?Excuse me sir,? the gentleman says to the salesman. ?How much is this ring??
?Ah, that's a beautiful piece,? the salesman replies. ?It goes for $10,000.?
?My God!? the man exclaimed. ?That's a lot of money!?
?Yes, but a diamond is forever.?
?Perhaps,? the gentleman replied, ?but my marriage won't last that long!?

A dick has a sad life. His ha...

A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

A dietician was once addressi...

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to?” “You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.” The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.”

A dietician was once addressi...

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to?” “You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.” The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.”

A dietician was once addressi...

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to?”“You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.”The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.”

Funny One Liner-53

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Funny Kids Jokes - Part 45

A customer comes into the com...

A customer comes into the computer store. I'm looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging." "Well," replied the clerk, "Have you tried Vista?"

A customer sent an order to a...

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.” The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, “Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”

A customer sent an order to a...

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn?t been paid, so he asked his collections manager to leave a voice-mail for them saying, ?We can?t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.? The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, ?Please cancel the order. We can?t wait that long.?

Good!

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread

Aircondition

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too cold, then he asked that it be turned down because he was too hot, and so it went for about a half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient. He walked back and forth and never once got angry. Finally, a second customer asked the waiter why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I don't care," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

A Day In The Jungle

A Day in the Jungle
An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.
"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.
The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago." The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory."
"Yep," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

A dazzling woman goes up to t...

A dazzling woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy. Are you the manager? she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, No”, he replies. Can you get him for me I need to speak to him. She is running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. I’m afraid that I can’t, breathes the barman, clearly aroused. Is there anything I can do? “Yes, there is”. I need you to give him a message, she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. “Tell him that there is no Toilet Paper in the ladies room.”

A debt-overwhelmed man, hopel...

A debt-overwhelmed man, hopelessly poring over a pile of bills, suddenly shouted ?I?d give a thousand dollars to anyone who would do my worrying for me!? ?You?re on,? said his wife. ?Where is the thousand?? ?That is your first worry,? he replied.

A deer hunter at a hunting ca...

A deer hunter at a hunting camp bagged two deer, one more than the limit. He called his wife ask her to go to the local sporting goods store to get a hunting license in her name and bring it to the hunting camp.
While getting the license she took up conversation with a man who happened to be the Game Warden. "A wonderful thing happened to my husband...he shot two deer, and he wants me to bring this license up to his camp," she said.
"What say, Mam, that we go up there and we'll BOTH congratulate him," he replied.

A Defendant in a court case w...

A Defendant in a court case was in a precarious situation regarding his Federal indictment, and the subsequent preponderance of evidence of his guilt. The day of his appearance on the witness stand, the bailiff had sworn him in for his testimony and he was asked to swear on a Bible that he was telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. The Defendant answered in his customary evasive style, "Show me the part of the Bible where there is a spelling error, and I will swear on that".

A defendant in a lawsuit invo...

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!""It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer."Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?""No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them.""But I did send them.", replied the man."What?" shouted the lawyer."I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."

A defendant in a lawsuit invo...

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

A defendant was asked if he w...

A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. ?Jury trial,? the defendant replied. ?Do you understand the difference?? asked the judge. ?Sure,? replied the defendant. ?That?s where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one.?

A dentist, after completing w...

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him and asked; ?could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?? The surprised patient said; ?why doctor, it wasn?t all that bad this time!? The dentist said; ?there are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don?t want to miss the four o?clock train.?

A dentist, after completing w...

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging. Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams? Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn’t all that bad this time. Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don’t want to miss the four o’clock ball game.

Funny Kids Jokes - Part 44

Priest And Lawyer

A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.
St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.
Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.
He says, "I'm still working on it."
Two years pass by and no marriage.
St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.
Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.
The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.
"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.
St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"

A couple, desperate to concei...

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you." When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him. "He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.

A court appointed lawyer was ...

A court appointed lawyer was defending this idiot in lower court. The judge found him guilty, and said 30 days and $30.00. The lawyer said ?what do you want to do?? Not having much education the idiot said, ?Let?s peal it up stairs? The lawyer said ?your honor we appeal this case up to a higher court? When they got in the higher court the judge said 60 days and $60.00. What do you want to do now, he asked the idiot? Let?s peal it back down stairs.

A court jester is thrown into...

A court jester is thrown into jail for telling terrible jokes.

Cowboy With The Horse

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

A cowboy rode up to the saloo...

A cowboy rode up to the saloon, dismounted from his horse, and dusted himself off. He then walked around to the rear of his horse, lifted the tail and kissed it right on the rectum. As the cowboy walked into the saloon, the shocked barkeeper asked, "Did you just kiss your horse's butt?" The cowboy said, "Sure, I've got chapped lips." The stunned barkeep asked if this was an old Indian cure. The cowboy said, "Nope. But, sure as s**t, it keeps me from licking my lips!"

A Critical Shortage Of Typists

A critical shortage of typists
A soldier was asked to report to the headquarters sergeant for an assignment. The sergeant said, ?We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this,? he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.
The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.
The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. ?That's fine,?" he said. ?Report for work at 8 tomorrow.?
?But aren't you going to check the test?? the prospective clerk asked.
The sergeant grinned. ?You passed the test,? he replied, ?when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine.?

A crocodile has 2 eyes and 80...

A crocodile has 2 eyes and 80 teeth.Question:What has 80 eyes and 2 teeth?Answer:A full bus of old men.

The Damn Case!

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account.".
To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?".
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account, right now!".
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damned lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!".
"I see," says the manager, "and this witch is giving you a hard time?".

A crusty old Sergeant Major f...

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now." I LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME!!

A crying, three-legged dog wa...

A crying, three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A Cub Scout trop was half an ...

A Cub Scout trop was half an hour late to its den meeting. The den mother asked them severely, ?Why are you so late?? ?Oh,? said one boy, ?we were helping an old man cross the street.? ?That?s a nice thing for scouts to do,? said the mother. She paused. ?But it shouldn?t make you half an hour late.? ?Well, you see,? said another boy, ?he didn?t want to go.?

The Act Of Unlocking

A customer arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up their car, They were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it.
He went to the service department and found a mechanic, Mr Santa working feverishly to unlock the driver`s side door.
As the customer watched from the passenger`s side, he instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open.
"Hey," he announced to the technician, "It`s open!"
"I know," answered Santa.- "I already got that side."

A customer at a counter of a ...

A customer at a counter of a garden ornament shop said to the cashier, ?Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink flamingos, two of those sunflowers, and one of those bent-over grandmas in bloomers.? The cashier replied ?that?ll be eight dollars for the pinwheels, ten for the flamingos, six for the sunflowers, and an apology for my wife!?

A customer comes into a compu...

A customer comes into a computer store.?I?m looking for a mystery adventure game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging.? After a while the clerk replied, ?have you tried Windows 2000??